we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
