Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
