I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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