I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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