STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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