yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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