I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
