I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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