I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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