This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
