Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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