Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
