We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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