he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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