She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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