I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
