I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
