Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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