I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
