omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
