Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
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I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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