Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
