Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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