I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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