Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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