Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
