I am midnight drunk by noon
You're earring is so big in my mouth
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
