apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Randomize
