Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
