this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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