we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
