6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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