Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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