somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
