break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
