I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
false alarm, still single
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
