just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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