I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
