tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
