Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
