all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
