i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
