ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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