I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
