If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
