I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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