I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
