I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
