I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
