Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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