I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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