I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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