I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night