drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.