I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
