I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
