i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
