After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sober January is a disaster.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
