He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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