I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
