You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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