1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
