I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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