Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
