He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
