watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
